Stop and Stare
by Seven secrets
Summary: She still felt alone, her hair was dishevelled and her skin pale from lack of food or sunlight, her skinny frame resembling a deer, her once soft brown eyes dead and lifelessly round and meaningless like polished stones, she doubted she'd be able to speak even if she did have someone to talk to. This is Diana's life if she had stayed after finding out that her father was a murderer


In the cold unfamiliar feeling room she had slept in for the majority of her life, Diana Meade lay awake, unable to close her eyes for fear of the thoughts that been swirling around her mind for the past hours, everything felt unfamiliar to her, everything had changed and it was spiralling out of her control, since the confession of murder from her father, to the truth of her biological father being revealed, and throughout all of this one thing became constant, one thing was continuously missing, Adam.

She had tried not to feel the familiar pang of pain, betrayal, hatred whenever he and Cassie looked at each other, shared kisses, held hands, the way he would cradle her in his arms when she cried, she hated the feeling that burnt deep inside of her at the realisation that nothing could change what had already been done, she had lost everything, her sense of who she was, her grip on reality, her relationships with not only her friends but also her family.

She was stranger, not only to other people but also to herself, and she felt as though there was nothing she could do, as though she were running at a painfully fast pace only to stay in the same spot. Outside of her window however, life moved on, the birds still sung, the sun still rose, the stars still shone, and the rain still fell.

She stared up at the ceiling, due to the eerie silence that fell on the house at late nights, and the terror that perhaps John Blackwell might return and the constant fear of her demon ridden father and the other Balcoin children crossing the premises of the house, she had turned on every light in the house, every TV and radio blared out filling the empty home with the illusion of life.

But she still felt alone, her hair was dishevelled and her skin pale from lack of food or sunlight, her skinny frame resembling a deer, her once soft brown eyes dead and lifelessly round and meaningless like polished stones, she doubted she'd be able to speak even if she did have someone to talk to, she had long since turned off her phone and had spent the past few weeks in solitude doing the same thing every day, promising that tomorrow would be different, that she'd find something worth getting up in the morning for, yet everyday remained the same, she had nobody left to care about her.

Diana turned herself to look at her alarm clock listening as the chimes of six o'clock rolled out, her obnoxiously loud alarm reminding her once again that there was a life for her outside of the four walls of her strange house, she paused for a long moment worried about the strain her legs would face if she attempted to stand up, she wondered if her teachers would even recognise her if she went to school today, all the stress and silent mourning made her feel as though she was an aging addict, in some ways she was all the stress from being a witch in the circle was making her age; perhaps not physically like she felt it was but she knew she'd never be the same.

She trembled with fear before sitting herself up, her bones ached and groaned at the sudden movement, her stomach growled and the shift sent the odour of her unwashed body back towards her, hygiene had no longer become a priority, she struggled each step a great wait on her fragile frame as she stepped cautiously towards the bathroom, she examined her face, pale and lifeless with no hope of a smile ever painting her features once more.

Grant had gone, after having waited for what was most likely hours, he had given up on her, because of the responsibilities she once again had to face at being a witch, the responsibilities nobody else seemed to understand, maybe Cassie could but brunette couldn't bring herself to go to the girl, she couldn't face the idea of letting her heart out to the blonde who's mere presence was the turning point of every bad thing to happen in Diana's life, of course she couldn't blame her, her mother had been killed by her psychotic father for reasons unknown to Diana, and of course Cassie had to start over, and of course it wasn't Cassie's fault she was destined to be with Diana's boyfriend…none of it was Cassie's fault.

"I just wish it was." Diana whispered to herself, her dry and chapped lips moving, stained with dry blood and looking somewhat purple, she took one last look at herself before turning away and entering the shower, the heat of the water making her bones relax and her body move in a wave of trimmers and shake out of fear, her hunger becoming more apparent as her stomach growled loudly begging for the nourishment food would give to her skinny frame.

Diana rubbed the soap in her hands, her body feeling narrower, sharp and unfamiliar as she washed away the thin layers of dirt, she felt more vulnerable now than she had in a long time, her hair felt a little weaker as she rubbed the shampoo through it and struggled to comb it almost tempted to give up, but she held back tears as she tugged and pulled at her limp lifeless hair, part of her wondering why she was trying to pretend as though nothing had happened, because of course no matter how many lies and smile she forced outside of this house, she'd still come back, and she'd still have only the comfort of television and old cd's to fill the silence, or to try in vain to hide the fact that she was of course alone.

She moved uneasily out of the shower, her toes wriggling as she wrapped the towel around herself before heading back into her room, she paused for a moment once she examined her closet the familiar scent of the old Diana graced every piece of fabric inside, she was unsure of what she would wear today, part of her wanted to wear black as though it would somehow comfort her in a way her old neat and brighter colours used to, but in the end she chose to wear a simple pair of dark blue jeans and a crisp white blouse, that now hung awkwardly on her tired limbs.

She wouldn't be able to paint a smile on her face today for school, so instead she headed downstairs listening to the booming laughter of 'The Fresh Prince of Bel Air'.

She left the house with an apple and her car keys, shaky and uncertain as her eyes squinted from the blare of the sunlight and her stomach churned at the sudden use of food once again, her hands shook and her moved quickly frightened of every noise, the flutter of birds in the trees above her, the quietest footstep –despite the fact that the only footsteps came from herself, every noise made her heartbeat speed up and made her head spin with uncertainty.

Her car sat as it had the night she had returned home after heading towards her meeting place to see Grant after her battle with John, it remained untouched since she ran inside her body shaking with tears.

Diana hesitated before opening the door, settling inside turning behind her to check that she truly was alone, and like always she was replied with the usual silence that fell around her, "Deep breaths, shift gears, and drive." She mumbled to herself as she struggled to remind herself of the usual rituals she took when driving, she moved quicker now, her mind made up, any injuries that could be seen on her body could not be hidden with makeup, she drove quickly resisting the urge to turn around and hide from the world once again in the dark safety of her house, it was clear that the Meade Family House was no longer a home.

The parking lot was filled as it normally was, and she found herself nervous as she stepped out of her own silver vehicle, her lower lip quivered as she looked around the parking lot, her eyes flashing with memories and expectations of how her life should have turned out, _would _have turned out if life was normal for her, and her eyes instinctively searched out the area with the usual suspicion that came from her recent experiences in life.

She moved slowly, the wind felt soft against her bare arms yet the sun that peaked between the soft white clouds in the sky felt hot against her skin, it was like her first day of school again, but this time she didn't have her father to hold her hand, to tell her it would all be alright and to hug her before shooing her off into class, she didn't have Adam or Melissa waiting by the front doors, each as nervous as the other, today she had nobody left but herself, and it was an uneasy confusing feeling.

Diana tried to keep her footsteps quiet but the silence frightened her, she practically stomped down the hallway towards chemistry, the only thing she could rely on was her usual seat in the back beside Adam, third row from the back, forth to the right, she'd be okay if she sat back and let him work, perhaps she'd even make a few contributions to the class herself, but she highly doubted it.

She took a deep breath as she stood outside the door before pushing her way inside, she closed her eyes for a brief moment trying to keep her heart from surging out of her chest at the rate it was beating, but she couldn't help it, she had become a terrified creature, quick and frantic about everything, and being outside even with her so called peers made her uneasy, she wasn't sure who half of them were anymore, images of pulsing demons throbbing deep inside of them made her grip the door tighter to keep from falling over.

"Miss Meade, it's a pleasure to have you back in class." A voice told her from behind the desk, she let out a shaky breath as her mind struggled to place his features, she only managed a short nod, feeling her throat tighten as she looked towards her seat, her skin feeling hot and heavy under the gaze of the class, she made her way forward, her knees wobbling before sitting down, the seat beside her was empty, and she looked forward to see that the once vacant seat beside Cassie had now been filled…by Adam.

She gripped the desk looking down no longer wanting tears to fall, but feeling as though she was too emotionally drained today, because she had clearly made a mistake coming to school, because it was apparent that she wasn't ready for any of this, she wasn't ready for such normality as speaking to her friends or answering her unnamed teachers questions, she wanted to hide away again, to run out of the door but her stupidly chosen legs were too weak to carry her further, her stomach growled again and her muscles felt heavy.

"What is the name of the parks of an emulsion molecule? Miss Meade, can you name the two ends, it's a rather simple question." The teacher tried again, but Diana only managed to look at him, her brain moving at such a sluggish pace that she could only look back at him with her wide polished pebble like eyes.

He shook his head at her, and Diana felt a small ebb of disappointment hit her before she looked back at her desk, she didn't say anything for the remainder of the lesson, she didn't look up even when she felt the eyes of her previous 'fellow circle' members watching her, she coughed and swallowed and exhaled slowly, unable to do much else feeling tired at the thought of rushing to another lesson.

The bell drilled out and the class stood, Diana rose at her usual apathetic pace, looking down at her feet as she made her way to lunch, unsure of where she'd sit, or whether or not she'd even eat during the hour, she moved slowly out of the classroom and towards her locker when a hand gripped her arm from behind.

She started and yanked her thin and pale limb away, turning around swiftly her eyes narrowed and suspicious, cold as she scrutinised the group behind her who watched with pitiful eyes, for a long time she stood there tensed and unsure of what to do, confusion edged its way across her features until Melissa made her way forward, her arms wrapping their way around her, holding her so tightly that Diana felt as though she could finally relax herself, because had been struggling so long to keep a hold of herself, when Melissa hugged her it was as though she had been given permission to lose herself in the emotions she had been too frightened to let go of.

She didn't trust Faye and Jake who had fallen victim to Eben when he had set his demons free.

She couldn't face her so called 'sister' Cassie, who still remained ignorant of her mother's killer, and who still seemed to think that just because of blood and a confusing relationship between the two of them, made their discovered relation meaningful, it took more than blood to make a family, but the blonde seemed to have trouble understanding that.

And she couldn't bring herself to even look at Adam, who had once again left her for Cassie –the rejection of today's seating plan dug deep, even though a rational part of her knew it was most likely her teachers idea, she wanted to be able to blame him even for a short time.

"I know…you can cry if you want, we don't have to talk, I can just listen." Melissa comforted her, rubbing soothing circles on Diana's tired and sore back as she led her outside most likely to a more quiet place so that they could all discuss something to do with magic and the circle, the brunette cringed at the idea, she had lost too much to magic already.

* * *

Once they were all seated they looked at each other, all unsure of what to say to one another, Diana watched as they exchanged looks, most of them looked relatively the same as they had done before she decided to go MIA.

"So little miss, 'missing in action' is back, I suppose this is the part where we all hug it out and sing about our feelings?" Faye said half-heartedly, although Diana had never been more grateful for a sound to come out of the darker haired girl.

"Faye…" Melissa warned, and then once again all eyes were back on Diana as though everyone was willing for her to make some sort of explanation, but she couldn't manage one, the words seemed caught in her throat because inside she didn't feel as though her absence needed to be explained.

"I hate magic." She whispered, her voice hoarse and groggy from lack of use, and she looked around at the group of teens in front of her, who all as she had done aged over-night, there was an unnatural maturity in them all that seemed too frightening for words, she looked between them all waiting for one of them to agree with her words but when nobody else spoke she continued.

"I hate what magic has done to us, to our lives…I hate, how we've all lost ourselves, I hate how because of magic, I've lost my life, my friends," she paused to look at them all before continuing, "my family, who I am. I don't even know what I'm doing with myself anymore…I have no idea what to do with my life because everything is still here, my dad is still alive, my friends are still here, but what's changed? Me. I don't know what's real anymore. And I'm scared."

For a long moment nobody said anything, all looked at each other as though for confirmation, before they all sat in silence because the truth in her words was more apparent, they had lost but what they had kept was damaged, unfamiliar and frightening, and it was more than any sixteen year old she even have to endure.

* * *

**I don't own The Secret Circle.**

**~Thoughts?**

**I hoped you liked the story.**

**A/N: Yes in this story Diana never ran away from Chance Harbour with Grant, she stayed behind but her father had run off and she has no idea where he is, they have already defeated John Blackwell, this takes place after the season finale.**


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